Cozy. Safe. Serene. Quiet. Solitude. Order. Hushed tones. Soft smiles. Intentional, slow, calculated movements. These are the words that describe how the inside of me would like things to run. I like to imagine I can make graceful movements and speeches – that I would only live intentionally. What I find is that not a lot about life, in community with others, is like this. Uncomfortable. Risky. Crazy. Loud. Chaotic. Yells. Wide-mouthed laughter. Spontaneous, fast, swift responses. These are words that describe the “outside” of me – my real life…what it’s like to actually live in this real world. The way I would choose it…no. The way I live best for Him…yes.
I can stay inside of me and make me just fine. But those around me begin to fade into the background; a place they were never meant to be. Jesus said He came to “seek…” and that He would “never forsake (turn His back)…” How could I imagine that life would be all it was meant to be – full – if I only fill it up with more of me? Me…you know that vessel that’s supposed to always stay empty before Him – that vessel that is always empty whether I offer “it” to God or to this world.
Drained. Depleted. Weary. Soul hungry. Soul thirsty. Words that describe NOT when I’m giving – living “outside” but when I’m keeping it all in. When my life centers around me, my thoughts, my feelings, my so-called needs…my…me…me…my…I drag along. Smile-less. Emotion-less. I love-less. It’s at that desperate moment that I know I’m about to head into a place that is not “proper” for a Daughter of the King. (Proper doesn’t necessarily mean spic and span, all-delight, all ease. Really, would that be the case? God, Who sent His Son down to this messy, hurting, relentless earth, would He ask less of us than He did the Son He gave up for our gain?) The pit of ‘me’ is dark, quiet, slow moving…to my great detriment. What place is that for a Jesus Follower? I cannot follow Him into that place because He never leads there. He knew nothing of the place of ‘me’…always the place of that one, him, her, they. He went to the houses of “those people” and dined with them. He touched the ugly skin of that man and made him whole. He let her, the bleeding lady, reach out and grasp Him and He brought ease to her suffering. He stepped out at night, into a cemetery and restored an evil-cleaving man. He stepped out. He went out. He reached out. And His joy never ran out!
little “Grace” Girl holding my leg as I try to walk, a walk on a beautiful Wednesday morning, Baby Long is born(!), school-time with Aaron, more ‘Light’ found, nap time, more words from Timothy, Hannah signing “more” with a big smile, Hannah and I sitting beneath our homemade afghan, making a meal for someone, talking with that ‘someone’…developing an unlikely friendship, playing a game with the boys, reading a bedtime story, Timothy, Alex…