I am so thankful for a God, a husband, and children who are patient as I try and establish new habits and rhythms into our days. I thought we had been doing well and then last week happened. I have realized that some days, weeks, or months just will not “go as scheduled”. It’s not necessarily that we are in ministry, though I’m sure that fact “adds”; it’s more because we attempt to live life outside of our own home and family. Admittedly, I resist veering away from our norm. It’s the introvert in me. I can enclose, seclude, stay in! And I like it! Until, I realize I’ve been in way too long and need fresh air! As much as I’d like to be a person who revolves mainly around her home, I know it’s not the way God designed us. We are not to forsake meeting together. I know, that context may refer to weekly worship gatherings, but in the early Church they didn’t have 9:30 and 11:00 services once a week. They had a daily desire/need to engage with other Christians for encouragement, support, sharing of sorrows and joys, passing on wisdom, venting, seeking out answers, seeking the Kingdom of God. They needed and wanted each other.
I sometimes want to not need someone else. I don’t particularly like being vulnerable. I’d rather have it all together and I’ve been known to portray that I do. Yet, I don’t want to come across as untouchable, prideful, self-assured…I want to be approachable. It’s this struggle that I have to not want to need but to provide for others. Except I can’t provide what I don’t have and I won’t have unless I need it first. That “picture-girl” in my mind still looms…I want to be her, but I’m not her. So there lies a temptation to see myself as settling for the person I am instead of rejoicing in the creation that I am. And another temptation lies at the core…to make it all about me…again. “Hear O, Israel, the LORD GOD IS ONE!” ONE! ONE!
Ahhh…the snow falls…white balls of cold, clean, purity…wetting dead ground…dead ground accepting the moisture…drinking in life…taking it all in…holding on to it tightly…then it steeps in this cold, moist, “life”…what will become of this life seeping into the dead…ahhh…it’s happening again…rebirth, reform, refresh, renewal, re-life…
little boy laughing, running, outside in the sun; time with Nathan; getting to serve at the Church Building; Robin; God’s Word; The cold air; Deep breaths; morning devotions with Hannah drinking milk and “reading” her God Made My Body book beside me; dreaming about our summer gardens