This morning I waved good-bye to one little boy who rode away on a bus, and then I drove two others to VBS. Miss Cute and I returned home. She’s laying down, and I’m thinking of those little boys.
The one who is 7, who will be 8 soon enough. He’s the one that got the inexperienced Mom; the so rough around the edges and deep within. The Mom who cried and yelled and sank to the floor and asked forgiveness before he was even one. There on the floor…so often on the floor…Jesus met me in the face of a little boy. He would look at the young frame sitting, sobbing before him, and reach out his little chubby hands, put them on my face or arm, and say “it okay momma”. I would choke out “Will you forgive Momma, Christopher?” And he would hug and say “I forgive Momma.” That quick; no long thought. Just quick and complete forgiveness. Jesus came in such a small frame and did a big thing!
I think of the one who just turned 6 two months ago now. I think of how easy carrying and delivering him was, and how most of the easy with him stopped there in that hospital room. For two and half years I got up with him in the middle of the night, holding a crying…screaming child. Sometimes I would lay that same screaming child down and walk out…tired…frustrated…postpartum…already pregnant again. I remember the night I cried out to God as I sat rocking a coughing, screaming child…”God you gave this baby to me, I need to know what is going on! I have to know him!” I remember the day I sat on the floor of a bookstore, pouring over an autism book, and basically reading the story of my son. I remember the days and nights that followed as I beat the floor, wet the pillow, screamed loud, crumbled once again…to the floor. I remember reading that summer about sowing in tears…(5 Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. 6 They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest. Psalm 126 NASB)…I did a lot of sowing! I wondered if I would ever harvest; would I be able to return praising? I still sow much in tears, but the harvest has also begun. I can praise now through the planting, as I wait, when I see growth. My little boy takes little steps, and I slow to see each of them. God opens my eyes to the little…the details…in a smile, a look, a new word, a “great day”. I don’t miss them near as much as I used to…my little boy is helping Mommy grow big.
I think of the one getting ready, in less than a month, to turn 5! In so many ways he is still my baby. He was 7 weeks old when we packed up and headed to “a land we did not know”. I often say he got the best mommy; the other two helped sculpt me for him. I remember lots of laughter with him. Coming down the stairs to find him sitting on the table eating butter from the container; laughing with a neighbor as he blew a raspberry in her face. Looking at his rounder, stouter, cuddlier frame and comparing it to his Daddy’s at that age…twins! I think of the times he has joined me for morning devotions and wanted to read the Bible himself. I think of how he struggles on the inside to find his place…he wants to be big…and small. Me too. I sit on the floor…and hold him as he cries loud about his legos not going together just right. And I remember crying about the “legos” in my own life. I who sometimes thinks God wants me just to get over it and move on…I remember, on the floor, that He cares. If legos are my big deal, they are His too. If legos are Aaron’s big deal, they are mine too.
I think of these little boys who are making a momma “big”. I think of these little boys who Jesus loves me through. I think of these little boys and know He thinks of me too.
12 Those who are left will be the lowly and humble,
for it is they who trust in the name of the Lord…
17 For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”
Zephaniah 3 NASB
fresh faith – fresh fire
water drops on the window
a refrigerator with food in it
a stove to cook on
pots and pans
rain, rain, rain
telling Christopher the story of the first rain
excited little boys
camp-outs in my room with little boys
reading the Word of God and praying with little boys
long kisses and hugs from little boys