Kisses From Katie…A Book That Brought Me Home…Chapter 5

Chapter 5 – “Can I Call You ‘Mommy’?”

I spent more time in prayer than I ever had in my life, begging God to teach me how to be a good enough mother to these priceless gifts, asking Him to guide me as I blindly dove into this blessing (motherhood…for her, adoption)…

I didn’t even think I wanted kids.  Two at the most!  And not right away!  Ten months after saying “I do,” I held Christopher in my arms.  He was, and is, amazing!  I don’t remember a whole lot of the hospital stay, but I do remember the first morning he woke me up in our little one-room cabin.  I picked him up, fed him, went over to the table, sat down with him in my arms, and opened my Bible.  I read, I sang Sunday School songs from when I was little, I prayed, and made new mommy promises.  Those moments quickly became few and far between with school and work and sickness and post-partum anger that crept upon me.  18 months later another little man would enter the scene, followed by another one 15 months later.  All the quiet and communion of that first morning has been gone for awhile.  It brings tears to my eyes to think of it that way.  Christopher ushered me into this life of motherhood – God’s true gift to me. And me?  I had no idea how to handle such a gift!  So, yes, I prayed more than ever before…whether through laughter, tears, frustration, anger, fear, joy, delight, despair, or hope.  I just had no clue!  Thankfully, God did and does – He is, after all, Abba Father.

By God’s grace, even in the hard moments, I knew that the job of being a mother was what God had created my heart for.  We had our struggles, but at the end of the day, we were each in love with this new thing we called family…

I wish I could say I had the knowledge of this calling.  I don’t think that I have ever felt that this was what I was created for.  Probably because very little of motherhood has come naturally to me.  Where most mothers’ hearts leap at the sound of their children, mine has not – does not – always.  And as a mother, that is the most shameful thing.  When instead of smiling at the first sign of their faces in the morning, I cringe that they’re out of their beds before 7.  Instead of pulling them quickly and willingly within my embrace when they are near, I flinch as one of them touches my arm.  Oh, God, how can I love them so much and seclude from them so easily?  Very little about me being ‘mom’ is natural; most is absolutely supernatural, by His grace, and His strength in my weakness.

Here in my home, I am not a missionary or an aid worker; I am just a mom…I get tired and frustrated at times because I am human.  But I relish my life because it is God’s plan and I can’t imagine anything better…

On the side of page 64 I wrote this: “I don’t know if I have always thought the way my life is as God’s plan.  I guess I’ve felt most of the time, I’ve jumped in – mostly before asking Him – and He’s just made it good because I love Him and He loves me.  In many ways, this has cheated me…stolen my joy in life.”  I have gone on and on about my pre-marriage desires of being a missionary; there is really no need for more.  Truth is, here in this home, I am just a mom.  I do get so tired and frustrated at times, but when I am seeking Christ in all of this, when I continue to give thanks for messy rooms, dirt on floors, pen marks on walls and furniture, constant corrections, tears and laughter, it is then that I begin to love this life.

Maybe I am a missionary in ways: seeking out every day with the hope to relate to people that are “foreign”, to share Christ’s love with hearts that were made for Him, persevering in the midst of many struggles and delayed plans and personal handicaps.  And, I am on a mission! I am seeking a day when my children stir my heart and light up my face without delay!  I love them, more than I thought possible, but I want the impossible love!  The kind that laughs more than it frowns and encourages more than it shames.  Oh, I pray, fill me with your Spirit, Father!

“Mommy”…It is hollered with joy or sobbed with longing for comfort.  And every time I hear it, my heart leaps.  I am willing to bet this is how our heavenly Father feels each time we whisper His name, each time we shout it with joy or cry out in pain, every time we tell Him exactly what we need or feel…His heart leaps and He delights in us and this is unfathomable…

I think pondering on God’s Fatherhood readjusts my flimsy and false views of motherhood.  So often I humanize God in my mind, making Him feel and react the way I do, when really what I need is to seek His Higher Ways!  If I could mother like He Fathers!  If I could only comfort, love, listen, understand, discern, help, teach, delight, and take joy the way God does for and in us!  Jesus “fathered” his disciples with love and grace and clear standards and discipline and forgiveness and presence.  So I ask, Father, place your hands, heart, mind, words, and feet over my own.  Teach me to be “Mommy”.

All I knew was that if the Lord had given me a house, it couldn’t be just for me…I was to use this house for the glory of my God…the house that has taken more hours and shillings to repair than I ever could have imagined.  The house I have fixed and painted and scrubbed for hours and days and weeks, the house I have sweated and cried over in desperation…It is a place where children can be children, where people can know that they are important and special and loved…where people accept Christ and learn about Him and grow in Him…

Nathan and I have talked over and over about our quick decision to buy this particular house.  How we would have done it differently, but can’t change anything now.  How God made this good; though, it may not have been His best for us.  Regardless of what was, this is what is.  Every month He provides us with enough to make the payment.  So, for as long as we are here on Piros Drive, I pray for this house to be a home where Christ is taught and known.  In the margin of the last page of this chapter I wrote these words, “…As long as you provide the means and the anointing for us to be in this house – make this Your house of hope to many!”  Before the “many”, though, I pray it for the six who live here.  May our home reflect the light that shines bright in our lives, making our home like a lighthouse for the weary travelers.  Or like a warm, cozy place with candles in the window, beckoning all to come in and find comfort and refreshment out of the cold night.