At the end of a day that started well and didn’t end too bad, but it has left my heart and soul aching. I try to stick to a schedule to get school done, housework done, phone calls made, paper work completed and mailed, and to have time to be with each member of this wonderful family. It’s somewhere in the middle of the day that I realize that I’m not being “all here” with them. I try to hug more, look at them more, listen to them, respond with great interest, notice them in their elements, but these attempts happen in small moments. I am trying to live in eucharisteo – communion with God, but I don’t want it to stop there…it can’t! If I am an “in the present” person, I’ve got to be that way to all – with all. It is the overflow of my heart, you see. So I guess today is giving me a good look in the mirror.
How often do I write down “gifts”? Some days are better than others, but overall those pen in hand moments are just that – moments. Here and there. I know I can’t walk around with a notebook and a pen in my hands all day, but I have lips that should never cease to pray, praise, and give thanks. So I can’t wait until I can pull over on the side of the road or park the car or have a quiet time, I’ve got to start speaking the gifts! Just like I want my children to hear me say “please” and “thank you” so that they learn to, I want them to hear me say “thank you God for…” Just like I want my husband to know I am all here with him when we are together, I want my God to know I am always with Him…He’s always with me!
Today…tonight, I look back over this day, and I remember way too much crying, smart remarks, trouble at school, whining, disobedience at home, and yes that word I am trying to delete from our vocabulary – frustration. I see past these outward responses and reactions and I sense a great spiritual need. There is this need to see God, to see them, to be with them. There is a great “cry” for me to fight for them in the most victorious posture I know – bent down, face down, eyes down, all laid down. I am “going to be alone with my Father”; I am “climbing the mountain to pray…”
Nathan – I thank you for this man who loves much a woman who has sinned much. His love – his touch have been your very heart and hands in my life. I pray for time to be protected for him to complete the tasks at hand. I pray for protection of his body, mind, and spirit. I pray that his passion for Your passion grows; that his life will be Yours…given away for the “love of God”. May he grow in favor with You and with man.
Christopher – I saw him today, Father. I slowed for a moment to watch this little boy. Thank you for protecting and feeding that amazing imagination of his! He is a wonder in my life! I pray that you stretch his mind and heart to understand more and more – to know You more and more! Keep him dreaming, but may his dreams turn to those You have. May he keep asking questions and seeking answers and finding them! Protect him from evil and conformism and a stale view of life. I pray his confidence will ever grow in You alone! Capture his heart; may His life be Yours as he grows in favor with You and with man.
Timothy – This boy; this wonderful boy. Today was not the best for him, and there seems to be no way of knowing why. I don’t know why some days are good and others aren’t. Shouldn’t a mother know these things? I just do not know…You do. I thank You that You use Timothy to take me to greater depths and heights with You. I scream on the inside, I walk in faith on the outside, I crumble in Your arms when it’s just You and me. You hold me. You know me. You know him. I want to know him. Why does it seem like you withhold “him” from me? I trust. I trust. I pray for Timothy to also be taken to those depths and heights with You. You know Your plans for him; thank you that you have plans for him! Give him the words, the thoughts, the understanding, the Way as he grows in favor with You and man.
Aaron – This bearer of light! Ah, but lately he has been so down, “on the verge of tears” at every turn. He is seeking his place – something of his very own. He struggles to get to set on Mom’s lap without baby sister trying to push him off. He tries out new words and phrases and tones to try and be big, but it only gets him scolded and in trouble…ending once again in tears. He accidentally knocks that off, spills that, pushes that over and he cries “I’m so sorry!” And I melt. I hear his heart and I want to hold it close and tenderly provide for all he needs. Alas, I am but one person, one mom with 4 little people to love on and care for. Still, he needs me and still wants me and I need him and very much want him. He is my “Isaac” – my “laughter”, thank You. I pray that you will give him parents who are “with him”, loving on him, teaching him, holding him, talking to him, giving thanks for him. Yes, may he grow in Your favor and in that of men, and may he do so to glorify and lift high Your Name!
Hannah – So young, so sweet, so smiley, so “grace”. She quiets me, makes me smile and laugh, and causes me to stop and hold her. I pray for gentle rhythms and dreams to grow her into the lady You have hopes for her to be. May her heart and hands extend grace, beauty, and love to a world that is undeserving, ugly, and hate-full. May she be filled with You to overflow onto a desperately seeking world as she grows in Your favor and mans.
I pray…I thank you…in Jesus Name…Amen.
an opportunity to bless
a chance to sit and snack
talking to Christopher about communion
sitting with Christopher in service
Jason and Katie and their twins at MPC
drinking coffee from a cup my Dad gave me long ago
Monday – a day to begin again
Easter devotion time with the family
catching a glimpse – early in the morning – of a bird perched and singing
Christopher – I love him so much and his imagination! – amazing little boy!
finding figures in the clouds with the boys