I need Jesus…

“But that is all preaching.  Can you show us you live in Christ?”*

Father,

Can I show my household, my church, my family, my neighbors, or the people I happen by that I ‘live in Christ?’  Most of the time when I walk out of my doors I feel like I’m living in a controlled trance until I return.  Like if I make one wrong move my kids will lose it or I will or we all will!  In trying to always be poised for corrections…poised, hmmm…I subdue any real peace and relaxation, any easy conversation, laughter, or enjoyment.  This type of living penetrates only to the shallows – I can never get to the deep (of hearts and minds and conversations).  Therefore, I come across as stuffy rather than the genuine person I long to be.  I fear that time and connection with people – even with my husband and children!  Why is that?  I really fool no one!  Not even myself.

I might give logical reasons such as ‘we’ll not get everything done if I take the time to do this or spend time doing that,’ but what I’m really finding is all that education and maturity that I want to develop in them (my children), all that intimacy I’m wanting with my husband, all of the real, genuine connection I long for with people does not occur on this “logical” level.  Some of these relationships are stifled, struggling, or not happening at all!  Talk about a hindrance to reaching hearts for Christ – whether in my home, church, family, neighborhood, or world!

It’s not that I want to “disable” my children from living in this world by not accomplishing ‘what every first, second, or third grader needs to know;’ maybe I’m just beginning to see more of what they really need to know and what they could take or leave.  Ah, but then there are state tests, national tests, personal tests, social tests, peer tests; and in all or atleast most of them I am fearing the failure.

peace

Christopher asked Hannah what she dreamed about last night, and she responded, “I need Jesus.”  Not a certain, rigid schedule.  Not just enough school, enough socialization, and enough alone time.  She didn’t need more stuff or greater accomplishments or more “world.”  She just needed Jesus.

Can I give her that?

Abba,

I pray this, always this, only this:

Place Your mind over my mind, Your eyes over my eyes, Your heart over my heart, Your hands over my hands, Your feet over my feet, Your will over my will, Your passions over my passions.  Place Your life over my life; there is no other life worth living.

Amen.

When the cares of my heart are many, Your consolations cheer my soul.  ~Psalm 94:19

So, for my consolation, my dear mentor-friend, Jennie, sent me this from her heart and hand:

THE WINNER (by Jennie Belzer…..2004?)

I thought I would teach my child to be a winner
Think and plan, remember all the rules
be strong and conquer
play the game and win.
But the winner was not kind
and he cared not for the one he trampled upon.
I thought I would teach my child all the right answers.
Read and read and don’t forget
score high, and higher still
and impress the ones I need to impress.
But the one with knowledge was puffed up with pride
and when the time came to give the only answer
that mattered he was lost.
And so we set out together to learn how to love.
I stood with him at the end of the line,
we served quietly while others were giving out
all the right answers,
we lost some games and learned how to look into the
eyes of our opponent,
we beat our breast and cried out for mercy because we saw
the we were sinners,
We wrapped a towel around our waists and learned
how to wash feet,
and no one noticed us
we became nothing
and we realized
we were winners.

*Quote and photo quote from Amy Carmichael bio.