Dear God…about Timothy,
First, thank you for this little wonder-boy. I love him, and I love you for giving him to us. But…sometimes I wonder why you gave him us. You know my questions…isn’t there someone better equipped to meet his needs, help him grow, empower him to overcome. Surely someone else would be more patient, more knowledgeable, more understanding, more enduring.
You made mothers. You know how we are, what’s innate to us, what is required of us at each season. I thoroughly expected to have to let go and not be able to make everything better once my children left the house and were “on their own”. What I did not know was that I would be asked to give that up at so early an age. When we tried and tried to understand his fits, his screaming, his mannerisms, his other -isms…when I finally cried out for you to give me understanding of this little boy you had entrusted me with, I wasn’t ready for all the answers you were giving me. I didn’t want the answers you were giving me. I remember crying, fists banging on the floor, screams coming from a place so deep within it hurt. I wanted to wake up from a bad dream…one that seemed would cripple such a wonderful little boy’s future. I hated what I was realizing…I could not make this all better. I couldn’t make him understand…speak…be socially acceptable…not act that way…to act that way…I felt so utterly helpless! How could You ask this of him? Why would You take “it” away from him? How would he know You? He doesn’t even understand “why” questions…how will He understand the Roman Road?
I remember picking myself up off the tear-stained floor every three days…or was that You? Was that You who gave strength to my legs, gentleness to my hands, security to my arms, love to my words, and laughter to my days when I was learning how to not make it all better and trust that You would?
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, 11
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
…you have shown your faithfulness in our-his life over and over again in the last 3 years. He is growing, he is “improving”, he has his strengths and weaknesses (don’t we all), he is still very vocal about his feelings…says things most people keep inside (could we learn something from him?), he’s social but not always “socially correct”, he’s smart but doesn’t always tell you what he knows, he’s a happy little boy but sometimes lingers in his disappointments (could he have gotten that from me?), he’s amazing, he’s ours, he’s Yours.
I live life without thinking much about what is different or hard with Timothy…until one day…when the hard stuff seems to mount…and once again I find that familiar place on the floor…that familiar place in Your arms…and I give you more tears to collect, more pain to take on Yourself, more of me to heal and strengthen. And You do.
I do not know what 13 years from now will look like, what tomorrow will be like, how his day will end, but I know the One Who is the same today, tomorrow, and in 13 years. And I trust Him. In the meantime, it is me who is changing, growing, learning more, understanding more…was that Your plan? When you thought of Timothy did you have the rest of us in mind also? How he would help make us who You wanted us to be. “As iron sharpens iron…”
…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.