“Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:29

“Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.” Philippians 2:3

humble (Greek: tapeinoó) – With the believer (“show humility, true lowliness”) happens by being fully dependent on the Lord – dismissing reliance upon self (self-government) and emptying carnal ego. This exalts the Lord as our all-in-all and prompts the gift of His fullness in us.*

meek (Greek: praus) – This difficult-to-translate root (pra-) means more than “meek.” Biblical meekness is not weakness but rather refers to exercising God’s strength under His control – i.e. demonstrating power without undue harshness…gentleness…and strength*

Some time around two years ago, give or take, I took a deep breath and prayed a prayer very slowly, with a bit of fear and trembling. I even hesitated at first because I knew that for this prayer to be realized there would most likely be situations that would be more than uncomfortable. I even told DAD not to tell Nathan I was praying it because he’d have to go through “whatever” with me and he might not be too happy to know it was a result of his wife’s prayers!

Finally, I got it out.

So I heard tell of a story of someone who worked for a bank or some kind of financial place.  They were asked if the “secret” of their success at discovering counterfeit money was that they had to study counterfeits every day, or something like that. Their response was that, no, they didn’t study the fake, they studied the real money so well that they knew the instant they came across counterfeit money.  (Obviously money talk is not my thing.)  My life has said something of the opposite…

From the time I can remember anything, I watched over and over again as my family members tried one false love after another, and as a young girl I followed suit.  I wanted love so badly, but I had never found the love that stayed.  All the loves I knew about were conditional or based on feelings and good days or full of the world’s ideas which left me feeling empty and defeated and lied to.  Nevertheless, I kept searching, as I believe we all do, because I was made by it and for it.  Then, one night at a church camp at a North Carolina beach, I found it!  Rather, I found Him.  Many, these days, want to be convinced of the reality of God, and I think this is completely right by the way, but for me, when I walked down that aisle to my Bridegroom, I just knew Him.  I knew REAL love.  In that very moment He captured my heart, and I smiled from the inside out that night over the love I now had with the Lover of my soul.

(Since then I have studied and searched the scriptures so that my personal knowing can also lead someone else to know Him.)

There have been times in the past twenty years that I have turned my gaze from that of my Love and sought what other loves had to offer.  Always, always I was disappointed and always, always I brought myself back to my Groom, seeking His forgiveness and grace and restoration, wanting Him and us back more than anything.

Today while I was cleaning up after the weekend, my girls danced around the living room to Mrs. Natalie Grant singing Christa’s lyrics.  I honestly hadn’t listened to this song when it was new on the radio, which was a few years ago…for no particular reason at all.  This past year, though, I acquired some extra music, and I listened to this whole cd one evening while taking Hannah to and from dance class.  I recalled reading a post by Christa, having to do with her reasons for writing this song, and that night, I just wept and led Him hold.  While traveling down the road this morning, Hannah had it on repeat, and she lifted her voice over the singing to ask,

“Mom, is she saying Hold?”

“Held, Babe.”

“Held by who?”

“Jesus.”  (Gulp…tears welling…)

“How do you know, Mom?”

“Because…He’s held me.”

And I sat there, trying to drive in my own lane, as I let that Truth settle within me.  I have not experienced the literal situations this song mentions, but there have been more times than I have recorded when Jesus has wrapped His arms around me and just held.  On green shag carpet, on tear stained pillows, on hard cement floors, on bedroom floors and bathroom floors, in driver’s seats, on two mile runs, on front steps…all of them made into altars where Jesus met me.

I was reminded of one such time, when we found out our boy was diagnosed with autism.  I was doing a Beth Moore study on the Psalms of Ascent and ironically, I was brought to the lowest place.  But it was there, right there on the bottom steps where Jesus came and bent over me, held me in His arms, and lifted me up.  Carried me even, until I found my footing.

I have prayed, in the words of Jennie Allen, my guts out, asking God – begging God to help our family serve together for His Kingdom.  Make these days count, God, while we’re all together!  Placing all my ideals and dreams in His hands and trusting His leading, I have been able to be led where He desires instead of demanding my own.  Yet, what I have found more than us serving together, at least yet, is that I am having to serve them.  Those kids I’ve always wanted to help, well God has placed mine before me with their own needs.  Another of my sons may now have to let his struggles lead to his successes.  I have felt helpless and overwhelmed and ashamed of myself for possibly letting this go on so long – for having failed this thing God has asked of me.  I have gasped for breath and cried myself to sleep and whispered His promises after I screamed my fears.  I have scrolled right over other people’s praises of their kids on Facebook because in this house we are feeling struggle…some days defeat and frustration and anger.

This morning, I picked up my dogeared Kisses From Katie book, underlined, and transferred into my own journal:

“Serving Jesus and my family with all of me, that is my treasure.

I remind myself over and over again that Christ incarnated in the parent is the only hope of incarnating Christ in a child (I also believe Christ in others can do this…my story.)

…even this hard part, is working for the good in their lives, for the good of God and His kingdom.  I remember that these hardships are gifts that He is using to strengthen us as a family and in Him so that He may transform us into His likeness.”  ~KDM

~this move

~his school struggles

~our school struggles

~me feeling overwhelmed

~I act out in a “barking” way instead of out of kindness or encouragement

~mourning our lack of family time around Your Word and Work (service)…wanting it so bad I can hardly stand it!

~can’t seem to enjoy these days because of the lack of service and the lack of me having an awareness of Jesus before us as a whole family…and my lack of joy carries over to my kids (and probably Nathan, the dogs, everyone else!!)

~my frustration, anger, and lack of self-control showing up in my kids’ lives

~my desperate need, plea, and desire for more of You and Your love, Jesus!  To fill, overtake, consume me so that Your light and love are seen in my eyes, heard in my voice, displayed in my touch/actions.

Jesus, help!  It is the honor of Your Name and the lives of my children (and those we are around) who are at stake here!  Let your love LITERALLY pour into me, washing away all the traces of darkness and sin and selfishness.  I don’t want to live another day in my own selfishness; Jesus pour into me, so that I can pour myself out for the the honor of Your Name…

I’m asking for miracles, yes!  I can’t make this happen, but You can, Jesus!  Please do!  Don’t delay!

“Jesus.”

“How do you know..?”

“Because, He’s held me.”

And is. right. now.

(Sat down to lunch.  Had His Word before me.  Reading…and this is where He led…)

And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. ~Colossians 1:23

17 As he went out into the street, a man came running up, greeted him with great reverence, and asked, “Good Teacher, what must I do to get eternal life?”

18-19 Jesus said, “Why are you calling me good? No one is good, only God. You know the commandments: Don’t murder, don’t commit adultery, don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, honor your father and mother.”

20 He said, “Teacher, I have—from my youth—kept them all!”

21 Jesus looked him hard in the eye—and loved him! He said, “There’s one thing left: Go sell whatever you own and give it to the poor. All your wealth will then be heavenly wealth. And come follow me.”

22 The man’s face clouded over. This was the last thing he expected to hear, and he walked off with a heavy heart. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and not about to let go.

23-25 Looking at his disciples, Jesus said, “Do you have any idea how difficult it is for people who ‘have it all’ to enter God’s kingdom?” The disciples couldn’t believe what they were hearing, but Jesus kept on: “You can’t imagine how difficult. I’d say it’s easier for a camel to go through a needle’s eye than for the rich to get into God’s kingdom.”

26 That set the disciples back on their heels. “Then who has any chance at all?” they asked.

27 Jesus was blunt: “No chance at all if you think you can pull it off by yourself. Every chance in the world if you let God do it.”

Mark 10, MSG

I had planned on writing about this great song I heard for the first time last week.  I was beaming last week as I listened to it; everything seemed so heavenly and beautiful and I was ready to write out some feel good words.  But…

Here I had been thinking of all these wonderfully mission-minded scriptures; another, “give it all away and embrace more of Him” sermonette.  But…Jesus.  He still sees hearts and lives and He just knows what we really need to know.

I’ve always read the above passage with materials and money in mind, and that is the context.  But, it’s the context because that’s what had the Rich Young Ruler’s heart – that’s what he needed to count and decide if Christ was enough; if Jesus was worth the trade. Some things that have always stood out to me:

~the guy, he really had every good intention and he really intended to follow Jesus

~Jesus looked at him and loved him

~the guy was willing to let go of everything…except the one thing that would give Jesus every part of himself

~the disciples were still thinking people needed to do something/have something in order to be a part of Jesus’ kingdom

~Jesus states the standard that’s supposed to free us but all too often trips us up: you can’t, God can

I’ve always thought, “Well, Lord, I am not a rich young ruler and You know I’m willing to give it all up (materially) and go but you don’t seem to want that from me.”  So, not my scripture, I guess.  Then, you know, Jesus.  I just didn’t get that Jesus wasn’t looking at the guy’s clothes and money pouch; He was looking at him the way He always looks at people – in the heart.

We aren’t all Rich Young Rulers, but we all have heart issues.  We aren’t all RYR’s, but He looks at us all and loves us and He sees the “one thing required.”  So you’re not a RYR, but you are a/an

~stubborn teen with a hot head and a hard heart

~wife who wants the picture perfect family that other girl has

~husband who wants the financial security of that guy who chose a different career path

~exhausted mother who is elated, depressed, happy, angry

~father who wants to do it all right but knows that he doesn’t, so he’s hiding

~wife who thinks when she vowed to “help” him, she had no idea it would look like this

~husband who thinks when he vowed to “honor” her, he had no idea it would be this hard

~wife who sits wounded amidst her children, wondering if he’ll ever come back

~husband who holds his kids close, wondering how he’s going to tell them she’s not

~foreigner in this land you’re in, wondering why all that was holding you up and together has been stripped away from you

~couple trying to put it all back together again while everything seems to crumble in front of you despite your efforts

~human walking with a disease or with the diseased

~…a someone, an anyone…

Here I thought counting the cost was something like materials, people, places, comforts; I had no idea that the thing required of me might dwell within.  I didn’t realize that He’d want me to count these too and trade

~my bad attitudes and selfish thoughts and emotions for Him

~all my earthly picture perfects and longings for Him

~all my earthly ideas of responsibility and significance for Him

~all my emotions…even the warranted, understandable ones, for Him

~all my secrets for Him

~all of my ideals and fears and hurts and…hell…for Him

~all of my weaknesses for Him

~all of my security – my earthly dependence for Him

~all of my failures…even the ones that keep coming, for Him

~all of my health for Him

~all…no really, ALL, inside and out, for Him

The disciples pointed out all they had left for Him, and Jesus told them of the rewards He had for them.  But, He didn’t tell them right there all they had left to surrender to Him; He knew they’d find out.  He also knew He’d always be there looking at them, loving them, hoping they’d always find Him worth it because He understood. He knew what it would require – it would be required of Him, and in then end, He thought we were worth it.

So, I’ll say “Yes,” when it is my delight and my ideal and I’ll say “Yes” when it’s my worst nightmare and I bleed and I’ll believe Him:

 “Then who has any chance at all?” they asked.

Jesus was blunt: “No chance at all if you think you can pull it off by yourself. Every chance in the world if you let God do it.”

I’m saying yes to You
And no to my desires
I’ll leave myself behind
And follow You

I’ll walk the narrow road
‘Cause it leads me to You
I’ll fall but grace
Will pick me up again

I’ve counted up the cost
Oh, I’ve counted up the cost
Yes, I’ve counted up the cost
And You are worth it

I do not need safety
As much as I need You
You’re dangerous
But Lord, You’re beautiful

I’ll chase You through the pain
I’ll carry my cross
‘Cause real love
Is not afraid to bleed

I’ve counted up the cost
Oh, I’ve counted up the cost
Yes, I’ve counted up the cost
And You are worth it

Take my all
Jesus, take my all
Take my everything
I’ve counted up the cost
And You’re worth everything

“The Cost” by Rend Collective