So, Spring Break Day Two was a bit more low-key.  Not quite as much entertainment. Sometimes ya just gotta put laundry away, clean some dishes, get medical stuff mailed off, and…take a NAP with your Baby Girl!  Yes, this momma got to lay down for a good 30-45 minutes!  (It felt like longer; that’s a good sign!)  The kids played and created with Legos (big surprise;)) and watched the movie The Incredibles.  They also played some in the backyard…as I’m typing this I’m thinking, okay, so this is what I’m blogging about?!  Well, yeah.  When I look back at this in however many years, I think I’ll be glad that I found these things noteworthy.

Ahh, got the oldest again! This time a bit funnier and making lunch!

After the nap my Miss Cute painted my fingernails and toenails with Princess Aurora Clear With Sparkles polish.  Lovely Darling, just lovely!

Thennnnn, it was time for her first day at Ballet Emmanuel’s Dance Camp!  I didn’t stick around yesterday to watch (it’s a two hour session), but I have a friend who took some pictures of my four year old-going on teenager.  #slowdowngirl #mommameansit !! While Miss Cute was dancing, crafting, learning about creation, and being a bat (I don’t yet know the connection), the other fabulous four and I went to the park.  We all had a refreshing time outside; Nathan even commented that my face (and hair) looked like I’d been outside.  This NC girl always takes such remarks as a compliment!  (I love being outside!  Thank you Memaw!)

After Dance Camp we all made our way to pick up Dad (Nathan) and we joined some other friends for a surprise birthday part for their oldest son (out of 10!).  We just sat around and ate, fellowshipped, laughed, watched children crawl, run, play hide and seek…pretty good ending to a day, I’d say!

Oh, apparently we fished as well…:)

We rolled into our garage at around 9.  It was a bit of a mess to get kids into bed, except Ruthie who was already out.  We had a Lego mess to attack, four sets of pajamas to put on, four sets of teeth to brush, at least one child to get to the bathroom, two dogs to feed, a kitchen to straighten up, and a very fussy girl to discipline/comfort before bedtime.  When Nathan came in after praying over the kids, he expressed his “observations” about Hannah.  He expressed what this momma has already known and been praying about for quite some time.

I hesitate to type this because I used to be the mom that would say, “She’s only four! You can’t say such harsh things about a four year old!  They’re still learning!”  And all of those statements would be true…except the second.  I must say certain things about my daughter, to my Father…in prayer, because certain things are a part of who she is right now and certain things aren’t pretty.  My four year old is a sinner.  There are things she is rightfully held accountable for now, and it breaks this momma’s heart to observe her in her darkness.  It broke her daddy’s heart last night.  So, we pray. For her. For us.  We just need to know what God knows sometimes.  We just need to see with His eyes and feel with His heart and discern with His mindset; we just need to be like Him so she can see Him.  For all her beauty and for all the plans the Father has for her, the enemy would want to steal, kill, and destroy her.  I will fight.  Nathan will fight.

Love is war! (This is a title of a song we’re singing on Sunday’s now.  Thoughts still aren’t clear enough to write down, but life is making them clearer.  Soon…I hope.)  It is war and when we became lovers and then parents, Nathan and I didn’t just sign up for the fun and easy, we vowed for the hard and dark too.  Most of the time days aren’t just full of one or the other; most of the time they intertwine and weave themselves together to make up a day.  So, we have pictures of smiles and prayers for the frowns.  We have videos of dancing and we have intercessions for the weeping.  We have words of praise and we have confessions and forgiveness.  Be it Spring Break or a regular Monday thru Friday, these are the days we are given – gifted – and some are worth smiling over; others require more of me than I can give.  On those days, I lay down in bed around 10 p.m. and realize Who carried me most of the way.  It’s that gentleness, that lovingkindness, that patience, and that love that I long to display for that little girl and for the other four and for the one I lie next to in bed.

Make me more than I am in you, Father; make me less than I am in me.

Springtime works both for and against me. It has for many years. I am naturally a lover of Autumn and Winter. As days get shorter and the temperatures grow colder, I find comfort in candle-lit rooms with something warm in my hands and warm wrapped around my legs. Yet, I am finding as my children get older that we all do better when the sun warms, the trees bud, and the light keeps our eyes open longer. Still, there is a paradox that Spring brings to light in me: a sorrow and an excitement.

I pray myself, praise Himself, and thank my way through the darkness that is now inside of me as the light lingers longer outside my window. It has been this way since high school, though I had no idea what was going on then. I still don’t think I fully understand it even now, but I know what it is, when it usually is, and Who knows it all, knows all of me, and can walk me through this until the light shatters the darkness that threatens to take hold of me. In all this battling against the darkness, there is also the recognition and the smile that comes when I stand in the unhindered, unfiltered Light of Him, be it outside in His rising sun or anywhere when His Son is rising up in me. I used to fight against this, and some days I still do, but now, mostly, I surrender to this fire and pray it burns the dross right out and that it will present me pure and faithful to my Groom. (I pray also for the ones I love and live with daily, that they might not get scorched from my fire, but may just feel the heat of His love from it. Lord. Mercy. Grace. Your blanket of Love, I pray!)

So, in all this – in what seems like months already, though it has only been a week(!) – here are some words that have spoken comfort and Truth into me:

http://christawellsmusic.com/life_/this-ones-for-the-mothers/

And…

God wants us to live a life we cannot possibly live without Him…Don’t let God just be there; interact with Him. Walk so closely with Him that you hear His heartbeat. Pray. Listen. Seek…Purify my soul and help me to obey You in every way…fill my heart with Your love, peace, and joy so that what comes out of my mouth represents Your will…Pour Your Spirit afresh into my heart each day so that what I say reflects You nature…The Holy Spirit in you will always lead you toward ever-increasing steps of faith…Jesus said to them, ‘Why are you so fearful?’…’You of little faith, why did you doubt?’…’Have faith in God.’…Ask the Holy Spirit to grow in you…

~S. Omartian Lead Me Holy Spirit

And always…this. I just can’t seem to stop, even when I think of stopping…

#3558-3571
the forgiveness of my children – all of them
Christopher reaching for my hand – love, forgiveness, understanding, comfort
a little time and energy and resources to create
picky little eater (Ruth!)
rest, in silence (thank you Hubby!)
I saw Robins in a quiet backyard – robins!!
in my silence, I heard His love, forgiveness, and comfort
gas money to a new, single mom
nights given away to holding a teething baby
frustration, selfishness, and easy anger given away to The One Who gives a blanket of love in my weakness
praying for her
surrendered fears
sleepless nights
turning my eyes to see His face

And this…this ushered me before my Groom Sunday morning…

Stood facing the kitchen wall today, hands up, tears falling, a heart bending in the Hands of Him Who knows just how to break me in order to heal me. Forgiveness and blessings, they are lovers…bride and groom…beloveds.

~Me

The above accompanied by this…
Pray (Christa Wells and Nicole Witt)

And, always, always this. To begin and to end…

If you were to walk through the metals doors of my church building on Sunday mornings, you would take a slight right and run right into a little brown table with blank tags, sharpies, a bowl of candy, and Kevin and Becky. This couple instituted something I think of putting into practice in my own home every time I run through the list of names of one husband, five children, two dogs, and sometimes extended family – NAMETAGS!

Now, my kids love this little table for two reasons: they get to write with markers and they get candy if they do! Smart little people 🙂 I on the other hand rarely make it over there as I head left, instead of right…straight to the coffee. Then I double back to the bathrooms and head to find my little brood as my husband has already begun the first song. On the Sundays that I do make it over to the table, I quickly scribble my name, pull the backing off the sticky, and then promptly slap in on…my leg. Yeah, I’m that weirdo! I head to my seat, set down child, coffee, ipad, possibly another bag full of notebooks and pens for the other four, several toys for the crawler, maybe a snack or two, and then I see if it’s safe for me to begin singing. About five minutes after that I will either be sitting with Baby Girl or picking her up and I will notice out of the corner of my eye a certain name tag stuck to some random object, not the least of which is my pant leg. Ah, well, it’s a long name to try and read during the meet and greet time anyway.

Normally I don’t ponder too much on inanimate objects such as sticky, marker-colored rectangles (well, there’s a possibility that I do), but then my pastor had to go and end his sermon like that! Like he had to answer a question about praying “in Jesus’ Name.” Why we do it and how it’s not a magic formula but rather our state of being after we become Christ-followers. I believe we say it because, yes, His Name holds power, strength, might, and glory, but when he said it had more to do with who we are now…in Christ…bearing His Name…living in Jesus’ Name, well that…yeah that moment, changed it all for me. Actually, it was this phrase: “So, you lie…in Jesus’ Name. You watched that…in Jesus’ Name…” Um, if ever you start to candy-coat or water down Who Christ is, His very Holiness will look you square in the face and remind you. So, what now?!

There have been moments, sermons, songs, books, and people in my life God has used to completely change me forever. I suppose the most recent one would be Ann’s book/blog/counting, and truly, my life has never been the same. Going on three and a half years! She hasn’t gotten old nor her words. The counting, well, even when I’ve waned, I am brought back to the every day graces. I suppose at the same time as Ann’s blog there was Katie’s blog/book/life. Yeah, there’s still some heart-to-hearts God and I are sharing over that life. And now, well now, there is this: In Jesus’ Name.

All day, every day…with few people, with many…in my home, outside my home…on good days, on bad days…when my house is clean, when it is not…when my kids are obedient, when they are not…when I feel like making dinner, when I do not…when I’ve had uninterrupted time with God, when I have not…IN JESUS’ NAME! When I chose to take Christ’s hand for all eternity, to be His bride, to have Him take up full residence within my heart, I stopped wearing the Anastasia tag. Now, every time God looks at me He sees His Son. (Yes, He sees me as the individual daughter He hand-crafted intricately, but the name I bear for a lost and dying world is not Anastasia – that name will not save even one soul. The Name I wear and bear is Jesus Christ, and if I’m wearing His Name all the time, cause His sticky never rubs off, then I better watch how I’m showing the world how Christ lives.)

And so begins this new (sort of) journey for me. I have been saying over and over again (ask Nathan, I’m sure his ears are tired of hearing it) and praying over and over again how I don’t want to sing and read and talk about living like Christ, I want to do it! I want to read the Gospels and then actually try it on for size. I used to wear the WWJD bracelets, and they were good accountability tools. To be honest, though, asking myself questions hasn’t always spurred my feet into action; they usually just get my mind dreaming grand ideas of how to live. When it comes to putting feet on those thoughts, dreams, and prayers, the questions have to stop and I have to answer. I have to come at myself with Authority and command this body to do what the heart and mind have been feeling, thinking, and praying. So, Monday I penned my own version of a tattoo (I’m a wimp, ya’ll) and set about all day to live worthy of the call I’ve been given…In Jesus’ Name.

Those of us who have decided to come to Christ, live In His Name every day; I just don’t think we realize we do. If we did, would we do that in His Name? We would like to separate it all, you know. “Well, this was in His Name, but this was just me being my sinful self.” or “I was just relaxing; I know what they’re doing is wrong but I was just watching/listening to it.” or “I was just so tired and frustrated; I’m only human!”

Friends – ANASTASIA – now that you are His, both the righteous acts and the unrighteous ones are done…in His Name when you do them! And the truth is, we don’t fool a foolish world. They know. They see us living divided and for all the sin in their lives, they are atleast whole-hearted when they live in it. I wonder if they’re just watching and waiting on us; I wonder if they really want to see something worth changing their lives for.

So, he wrapped up the sermon and I sat unraveling on the floor with that Baby Girl crawling toward the communion table. I took the bread I had mixed,

kneaded,

rolled,

cut,

and baked the week before…

a remembrance of the very body that came to mix with the likes of me. He was pressed hard, stretched out, cut, and walked into the heat of hell for me. I took the juice that remembers His blood spilled out so that I could live out His glory. I. Took. Communion. And I knew I could never get up from that place unless I was really serious about living…In Jesus’ Name.

Sermon ended. Songs were over. And I turned and talked to the pastor. I looked and said, “So, maybe you should have passed out Jesus nametags on the way out. I wonder how many of us would dare to put them on.”

I still wonder, but in the meantime, I’m writing on my hand a daily remembrance, I’m placing my feet in Papa’s big shoes, and I’m hoping my hands start to look more and more like the ones that have scars from loving me so.

And grace, it’s all over this! For there won’t be one minute of one day when I can do this on my own. There will be skinned knees and broken hearts and foolish thinking, and I will need every new mercy and grace He gives me. This will never be about me and what I am doing. This is all about Him, His Name, and His Glory. I am all about Him, His Name, and His Glory.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.