So, I signed up for this gathering about two months ago on one of those days when signing up for something seemed light and easy and possibly…fun! About a month later I began rethinking going. A couple weeks after that I was sure I would just decline my “Meet-up Invite,” then I found out where it was being held, and well, God is just creative enough to entice me with coffee (insert “wink”)! Then the week before (or so) I listened to Christa sing this song over a video of women who have poured their words into the souls of many, and I went straight back to thinking, “Nope. Not gonna go!” The laughing faces on those women, their bare feet in the sand and water, the way the had their arms around each other…all that was supposed to…(in)courage me to be vulnerable and live in real life with other women. Yeah, it just made me want to run to the nearest alone spot I could find and stay put! (By no fault of Christa’s or the sweet ladies in the video!)

You see I had some of that in high school with a great group of girls, but all that, it took time and pain and work and more love than was comfortable sometimes and as wonderful as the wonderful times were, the hard times were…HARD. Inevitably someone’s feelings will cause HURT or get hurt and for someone who never wants to hurt anymore or…to hurt anyone anymore…it can be enough to keep you…AWAY. It just seems safer for all involved.

And so the age old lie from Eden surfaces again. You can get just alone enough to feel safe and not realize The Enemy has slithered his way around you…and…you’re trapped. He begins to encircle you with questions and doubts until the tightness of his grip and the poison of his venom has you paralyzed and truly…ALONE. There is no safety in alone-ness, only FEAR and LIES and PRIDE. So, you fall…

9 Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their efforts. 10 For if either falls, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up. 11 Also, if two lie down together, they can keep warm; but how can one person alone keep warm? 12 And if someone overpowers one person, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. Ecc 4 HCSV

Ahh, but remember, God knows His girl, and He used the aroma and taste of good coffee to get me where I needed to be last Saturday from 2-4. And how thankful I am that He knows me, that He doesn’t leave me, and that He forever leads me with GENTLENESS and GRACE. I sat savoring coffee and scones and mini-bios of women I didn’t know (minus one); I listened to some who were exactly in the same season as me to one lady who had been there, done that, and was now sitting at that table across from me to tell about it. We had no agenda except to be REAL with each other for a brief two hours. So, some of us sat quieter than others, we all kinda smiled a little shy at first, and in the end, we were just glad to have sat beside another lady who loves Jesus, loves her family, and loves knowing someone else around her does too. By no means am I forever HEALED of my inability to feel comfortable or vulnerable with people, but I am…(in)couraged. (insert “smile with a wink”)

I drove away that day passing trees and fields and all things Colorado and felt the most wonderful…PEACE. It was…GOOD. That evening as I made supper, put clean dishes away, stacked dirty dishes, and wiped off counters, I knew one thing for sure…there were atleast seven other ladies doing some of the same, and it was BEAUTIFUL to know we were kinda TOGETHER.

Recap…

Waking Daddy up on a Saturday morning.

Saturday and Sunday were beautiful days here in Colorado Springs.  Sooo, you’d think we’d do more, but really we were tired and good to do the few things we widdled our schedule down to.  (We had to say ‘no’ to some really good things in order to say ‘yes’ to the other really good things.) (The big dog did not get washed, yet again…not a good thing!  I brushed her, though, yay me!)  I honestly can’t remember too well what we did on Saturday but that evening Nathan, Ruthie, and I got to head out (Thank you Dar for hanging out with the olders!) and hang out with some friends for a 40th birthday party.  (A year which no longer seems that far away or that old.)  Oh, I remember why I don’t remember much about Saturday…because it was full of me thinking too much about me and battling me and really it only stopped (and I knew it would) when this girl – me – got outside her house and outside herself and realized God loves her but this earth and life aren’t all about her.

Eating a BANANA…her idea, of course!

Ohhhh, I was feeling down and missing family and friends who are not in this state and I just took a really wonderful Saturday that didn’t involve basketball games or rehearsals or grocery shopping or major cleaning and I just about threw it down the drain like I did the pineapples, strawberries, and blueberries that fell out of the bowl as I was trying to transfer them into the strainer.  But I prayed and I stayed with Him and I would not give in (well, my attitude shifted up and and down a bit), and I told Nathan once we got with our Colorado family (the birthday party) I would be fine!  And I was.  (Just another testament for community!  God NEVER wanted us to live this life alone!)  My hubby and I also got to talk on the way home.  He asked me hard questions and I answered with fresh realizations and he spoke some Truth into me. (Word to the wise…and maybe more to the foolish…find someone to be in your life who comforts you, yes, but not at the expense of being completely honest with you! In a world full of lies and liars, we need people in our midst who love us enough to not let us wander around in the mess of deception but who will, with a strong, firm, and loving hand, pull us up and – sometimes – push us out of the mud!)

Miss Cute painting Momma’s nails.

Momma returned the favor.

What Saturday, in the backyard looked like for awhile…

(Oh I think I forgot to mention, Nathan and I – just Nathan and I – got to go out for appetizers and dessert on Friday night. (Thank you Bri for living right around the corner and for loving our children and us!  We love you back!)  We talked God and ballgames (it was Chilis, so every tv had some sort of sport on) and how good the wings were and how amazing the chocolate chip skillet cookie with ice cream was and oh, that was good chatter right there!  (I’m serious!  Sometimes, it just needs to be light and fun and like a real…date!) (We very often discuss our sin struggles, our finances, our children’s behavior, our own behavior, yada, yada, yada… This was good!)

Sunday was…tiring!  Well, more like I was tired.  Baby Girl knows when it’s Saturday night and she likes to declare her knowledge all. through. the. night!  I taught kiddos, worshiped with 4 out of 5 of my crew in “big church,” corrected the little dancing queen when she decided she needed to climb on top of and under the chair to finish her worship-dance (which started out really beautiful by the way), and bounced Little Miss Cute in the back while she “sang” through the sermon. We were all a bit of a mess that morning.  But! Lunch was good!  I made a dish I learned when we visited Taiwan many moons ago…yum!  Then, it was off to the bowling alley for another party; this time just me and my olders.  Baby Girl stayed with her Daddy.  I am just here to announce an award…to my friend Monica…who apparently loves to have parties with 50 plus people.  She does it well.  I do not plan on following her example.  In fact, much to my boys’ sadness, we are not having a big birthday party this year until December (for Hannah) (we will have family parties) because, well, when you have five children, you’ve gotta space this kind of stuff out.  (Speaking of spacing it out, Nathan was so wonderful to work up this schedule…Hannah turns 5 this year, so big party for her.  Timothy turns 10 next year, so big party for him.  Aaron turns 10 the next year, so big party for him.  THEN, (gasp! breathe!) Christopher turns 13 the next year, so big cry fest for Mom, I mean big party for him. Then apparently we get a year off, but I think there is bound to be a baby girl growing during that time who will require her own party.  EEK!)

And so, yesterday – Monday.  Well, some of it was Spring Break-ish, but we did have to get back to a little schedule.  Hannah had dance class and C and A had to do some Math and Grammar.  (Today they will do that plus read for their co-op class tomorrow.)  Still, though, the day was slower, pretty peaceful, simple.  Did some laundry, dishes, and straightening up.  Even took a nap!  Got to go out with C and H to buy a few items at Safeway; we had fun.  (C even asked to go with me, smiled at me most all of the day, and laughed!  Oh, Happy Day!)  The hubster made his wonderful tacos, I discovered that Ruthie loves blueberries (insert big smile), and after the kiddos went to bed we did adult things…balanced the check book, looked at our new budgeting app (gag!), and then (this is the best part) finished watching Hobbit numero dos! (And I didn’t fall asleep this time!)

Today we do…blueberries!

I ended yesterday with a great peace and, honestly, feeling like I did exactly what God – and God alone – wanted me to do.  I didn’t fret over what I dreamed to do or what I didn’t get done or long for what she was doing; nope, I just stayed focused on the life at hand.  And the life He’s handed me is good.  Some days I do have to remind myself of this…days when it seems I’m just going in circles, accomplishing little, and living…well…little.  But, and here is one of the truths that wonderful, guitar playin’ man shared with me as we drove home Saturday night after I asked how I can get out there and serve when I have five children in my house, even though I know it’s what I need to do in order not to become so selfish and self-absorbed… He said, start serving them.  Them?  Yeah, them; the five.  Start where God has asked you to start.  Don’t go around trying out other people’s starting lines and never actually starting!  Just start.  Just serve.  Just love.  Right here.  Right now.  Them.

So, I ended my day by writing down these gifts…

#3641-3649

a day…in which things got done, a nap was taken, attitudes stayed good (mostly), the Bible was read to the kids, some school was done, a baby girl ate blueberries, Miss Cute got her dance outfit, my husband loved on me, my oldest wanted to be with me…yeah, a day!

Sunny Day…

A Girl, her bling-bling glasses, and…her cottage cheese.

In hindsight, I really should have put the glasses on her too.

We have a driver on our hands!

and for as long as I can keep getting him to smile with me…

A Southern Momma, A Mid-West to West Boy, and the sweet tea that binds them together:)!

and for as long he’ll keep lovin’ on his sister and for as long as she’ll let him…

The day was relaxing and simple.  Nathan got to come home early (!!) and we had a leisurely afternoon.  Took Miss Cute to dance camp and caught a glimpse of Friday night’s performance…ooo!  (We still had some hard moments with our Grace Girl today, but I know He is in this with us.  In the midst I know we will all be learning and growing in Him together.)

We had our homemade pizza night and just when I thought the day was going to end close-to-perfect, the enemy came at me full force.  He knows my weaknesses – what makes me tremble and hurt, and he enjoys thoroughly tripping me up.  I wish I could say I stomped on him quick and furiously, but I let him have his way for a bit.  It took a screaming, teething baby girl who wrestled against her momma for awhile during a time of night I would have rather been sleeping, for God to get my attention.  When all I wanted to do was get that girl to calm down so we could both go back to sleep, God got me to talk to Him…to surrender to Him…and to once again, trust and obey. Sometimes, Papa is very persistent in His, “do not go to bed angry” command.  And me, I’m so thankful that His hand was gentle but firm!

Oh no, He never lets go…

…through the calm…