To My Boys:
You were with me in the beginning of all this. I became a mother with you, failed (and many days still do) as a mother with you, fell on my knees confused and worn with you, and began to grow up with you. I had never really known selflessness before; maybe because I hadn’t really been brought face to face with my selfishness. You became my mirrors, and many days the reflection was hard to bear! Yet, you also came to be the very face(s) of Christ to me. Every time you put your chubby little hands around my neck and said, “I love you Mommy…I forgive you,” I saw something of Jesus I hadn’t really believed was there. Unconditional, forever love!
There have been many days when I felt the loss of those dreams that took me to Missouri where I met your Daddy, and I just didn’t know if I was that same person any more. Independent, capable, eager and willing and able to go all out for Jesus! I wondered if you would ever really know the “real me” – the girl who had fallen so hard and deep in love with her Savior that some days His very breath seemed to be her own. I wondered if I was still that girl. I have wrestled much with God over my longings and desires – just needing to know where it all fit…where I fit.
Raising you, schooling you, learning to minister to you – none of this came naturally to me. We would have to learn together, the sinner leading the sinners. So many days and nights I have felt defeated, noticing every inch that I came up short. I have wondered if Dad and I had even built a sturdy enough foundation so that we could build you up upon it. Then, today, my eyes were drawn below the surface of this every day life…the devotions, the breakfasts, the curriculum, the deadlines, the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking, the weariness, the correcting, the encouraging, the schedules…and I saw something I had missed before.
16 So this is what the Sovereign Lord says:
“See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone,
a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation;
the one who relies on it
will never be stricken with panic. Isaiah 28 NIV
I came downstairs, not knowing what to expect after meeting for an hour with a friend, and this is what I saw. A breakfast made with the sweetest of loves, and you even remembered my favorite “Course” as you laid that Bible carefully beside my plate. Then, down the stairs I go, following you, Timothy, to see the surprise you made me. Somehow, over the last 8 years, you picked up on the song of my heart, I was glad when they said to me, let us go to the house of The Lord… You must have heard the song, you must have listened even to the whispers, you must have heard my heart singing on Sunday mornings even when I couldn’t hear over the shouts for everyone to get ready in 5 minutes or else!
Today, His grace raised the very “floor” so that I could get a good, long glimpse of what was tucked away in the corner of all this living, and what I saw was “precious” and more “sure” than any fleeting dreams that girl of 18 had. 12 years later I am still dreaming, Boys – I’m a lot like Joseph that way – but the dreams are shaping up a bit different now. They’re not all about me and my future and my desires; the dreams that come these days have been given a grander vision. I see a faith and trust without borders, ready and willing to believe God can and will do far more than I have asked or imagined! And Boys, you were the ones to teach me to open my eyes, to see things as more than what they seem. To see God as bigger and more real than a three-letter word on a page or just a God who did great things then…yes, He can and does great things now! To see God as One Who loves lavishly, forgives willingly, and pursues relentlessly. Just as much as your sisters show me His Grace, you reveal His Greatness!
19 Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household, 20 built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. 21 In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. 22 And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.
Ephesians 2 NIV