So I heard tell of a story of someone who worked for a bank or some kind of financial place.  They were asked if the “secret” of their success at discovering counterfeit money was that they had to study counterfeits every day, or something like that. Their response was that, no, they didn’t study the fake, they studied the real money so well that they knew the instant they came across counterfeit money.  (Obviously money talk is not my thing.)  My life has said something of the opposite…

From the time I can remember anything, I watched over and over again as my family members tried one false love after another, and as a young girl I followed suit.  I wanted love so badly, but I had never found the love that stayed.  All the loves I knew about were conditional or based on feelings and good days or full of the world’s ideas which left me feeling empty and defeated and lied to.  Nevertheless, I kept searching, as I believe we all do, because I was made by it and for it.  Then, one night at a church camp at a North Carolina beach, I found it!  Rather, I found Him.  Many, these days, want to be convinced of the reality of God, and I think this is completely right by the way, but for me, when I walked down that aisle to my Bridegroom, I just knew Him.  I knew REAL love.  In that very moment He captured my heart, and I smiled from the inside out that night over the love I now had with the Lover of my soul.

(Since then I have studied and searched the scriptures so that my personal knowing can also lead someone else to know Him.)

There have been times in the past twenty years that I have turned my gaze from that of my Love and sought what other loves had to offer.  Always, always I was disappointed and always, always I brought myself back to my Groom, seeking His forgiveness and grace and restoration, wanting Him and us back more than anything.

Today while I was cleaning up after the weekend, my girls danced around the living room to Mrs. Natalie Grant singing Christa’s lyrics.  I honestly hadn’t listened to this song when it was new on the radio, which was a few years ago…for no particular reason at all.  This past year, though, I acquired some extra music, and I listened to this whole cd one evening while taking Hannah to and from dance class.  I recalled reading a post by Christa, having to do with her reasons for writing this song, and that night, I just wept and led Him hold.  While traveling down the road this morning, Hannah had it on repeat, and she lifted her voice over the singing to ask,

“Mom, is she saying Hold?”

“Held, Babe.”

“Held by who?”

“Jesus.”  (Gulp…tears welling…)

“How do you know, Mom?”

“Because…He’s held me.”

And I sat there, trying to drive in my own lane, as I let that Truth settle within me.  I have not experienced the literal situations this song mentions, but there have been more times than I have recorded when Jesus has wrapped His arms around me and just held.  On green shag carpet, on tear stained pillows, on hard cement floors, on bedroom floors and bathroom floors, in driver’s seats, on two mile runs, on front steps…all of them made into altars where Jesus met me.

I was reminded of one such time, when we found out our boy was diagnosed with autism.  I was doing a Beth Moore study on the Psalms of Ascent and ironically, I was brought to the lowest place.  But it was there, right there on the bottom steps where Jesus came and bent over me, held me in His arms, and lifted me up.  Carried me even, until I found my footing.

I have prayed, in the words of Jennie Allen, my guts out, asking God – begging God to help our family serve together for His Kingdom.  Make these days count, God, while we’re all together!  Placing all my ideals and dreams in His hands and trusting His leading, I have been able to be led where He desires instead of demanding my own.  Yet, what I have found more than us serving together, at least yet, is that I am having to serve them.  Those kids I’ve always wanted to help, well God has placed mine before me with their own needs.  Another of my sons may now have to let his struggles lead to his successes.  I have felt helpless and overwhelmed and ashamed of myself for possibly letting this go on so long – for having failed this thing God has asked of me.  I have gasped for breath and cried myself to sleep and whispered His promises after I screamed my fears.  I have scrolled right over other people’s praises of their kids on Facebook because in this house we are feeling struggle…some days defeat and frustration and anger.

This morning, I picked up my dogeared Kisses From Katie book, underlined, and transferred into my own journal:

“Serving Jesus and my family with all of me, that is my treasure.

I remind myself over and over again that Christ incarnated in the parent is the only hope of incarnating Christ in a child (I also believe Christ in others can do this…my story.)

…even this hard part, is working for the good in their lives, for the good of God and His kingdom.  I remember that these hardships are gifts that He is using to strengthen us as a family and in Him so that He may transform us into His likeness.”  ~KDM

~this move

~his school struggles

~our school struggles

~me feeling overwhelmed

~I act out in a “barking” way instead of out of kindness or encouragement

~mourning our lack of family time around Your Word and Work (service)…wanting it so bad I can hardly stand it!

~can’t seem to enjoy these days because of the lack of service and the lack of me having an awareness of Jesus before us as a whole family…and my lack of joy carries over to my kids (and probably Nathan, the dogs, everyone else!!)

~my frustration, anger, and lack of self-control showing up in my kids’ lives

~my desperate need, plea, and desire for more of You and Your love, Jesus!  To fill, overtake, consume me so that Your light and love are seen in my eyes, heard in my voice, displayed in my touch/actions.

Jesus, help!  It is the honor of Your Name and the lives of my children (and those we are around) who are at stake here!  Let your love LITERALLY pour into me, washing away all the traces of darkness and sin and selfishness.  I don’t want to live another day in my own selfishness; Jesus pour into me, so that I can pour myself out for the the honor of Your Name…

I’m asking for miracles, yes!  I can’t make this happen, but You can, Jesus!  Please do!  Don’t delay!

“Jesus.”

“How do you know..?”

“Because, He’s held me.”

And is. right. now.

(Sat down to lunch.  Had His Word before me.  Reading…and this is where He led…)

And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. ~Colossians 1:23

I’ve been reading in Luke this month. (There is a simple story as to why I jumped into this book mid-way through November, and I hope to share it soon.) These have been sweet mornings with my Jesus. Friends, please don’t ever downplay the amazing power in His Word alone. So many wonderful studies are out there to cause us to seek and find and dig into more of scripture so that we may love Him with our hearts, minds, and souls, but they almost all have this as their foundation – His Word! It all and always must begin there on the pages where His breath gave way to our very lives. Read it. Savor it. Ponder it. Love it!

I just wanted to share some quotes, scriptures, and comments from today – drawn from my date at dawn with Jesus.

Luke 18* Amplified Bible (AMP)

35 As He came near to Jericho, it occurred that a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging. 36 And hearing a crowd going by, he asked what it meant. 37 They told him, Jesus of Nazareth is passing by. 38 And he shouted, saying, Jesus, Son of David, take pity and have mercy on me! 39 But those who were in front reproved him, telling him to keep quiet; yet he screamed and shrieked so much the more, Son of David, take pity and have mercy on me! 40 Then Jesus stood still and ordered that he be led to Him; and when he came near, Jesus asked him, 41 What do you want Me to do for you? He said, Lord, let me receive my sight! 42 And Jesus said to him, Receive your sight! Your faith (your trust and confidence that spring from your faith in God) has healed you. 43 And instantly he received his sight and began to follow Jesus, [c]recognizing, praising, and honoring God; and all the people, when they saw it, praised God.

Luke 1 Amplified Bible (AMP)

26 Now in the sixth month [after that], the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a town of Galilee named Nazareth, 27 To a girl never having been married and a virgin engaged to be married to a man whose name was Joseph, a descendant of the house of David; and the virgin’s name was Mary. 28 And he came to her and said, Hail, O favored one [endued with grace]! The Lord is with you! Blessed (favored of God) are you before all other women! 29 But when she saw him, she was greatly troubled and disturbed and confused at what he said and kept revolving in her mind what such a greeting might mean. 30 And the angel said to her, Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found grace (free, spontaneous, absolute favor and loving-kindness) with God. 31 And listen! You will become pregnant and will give birth to a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus. 32 He will be great (eminent) and will be called the Son of the Most High; and the Lord God will give to Him the throne of His forefather David, 33 And He will reign over the house of Jacob throughout the ages; and of His reign there will be no end. 34 And Mary said to the angel, How can this be, since I have no [intimacy with any man as a] husband? 35 Then the angel said to her, The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you [like a shining cloud]; and so the holy (pure, sinless) Thing (Offspring) which shall be born of you will be called the Son of God. 36 And listen! Your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son, and this is now the sixth month with her who was called barren. 37 For with God nothing is ever impossible and no word from God shall be without power or impossible of fulfillment. 38 Then Mary said, Behold, I am the handmaiden of the Lord; let it be done to me according to what you have said. And the angel left her.

Her first response was to humble herself. Mary knew her place, but even more she knew God’s place: all-powerful, all-seeking, all-knowing, and all-loving. Because of who he is, Mary was able to offer herself to him as a “bondslave”…”a female slave whose will was not her own” …Think of this young maiden ‘consciously and willingly joining with the purpose of God to bring salvation to the world.’ Only God could have provided the faith necessary to take such a huge leap. And leap she did. ‘May your word to me be fulfilled.’ Luke 1:38
~The Women of Christmas**

I know one event occurred after the other. I placed them in the order of how I read them this morning – of how Jesus served me His portion this day. Faith. I usually describe it to my children in this way: belief/trust with feet. Faith – Faithfulness: it is our response – the living of our lives – to the One Who has initiated love to us, Who has been in undeterred pursuit of us since His heart first thought us up. Faith is our “Yes!” to His invitation, and in the instance of the blind beggar, faith is our “Yes!” before the invitation even arrives!

Faith is no easy thing for those of us gazing only at the world, but for the “bondslave” of the Lord – the one whose gaze is fixed on her master, ready at His signal to do His will – Faith is our only response. And be assured of this, our steps of faith are not singular or secluded. They will always lead to more and lead for more.

Think of this young maiden ‘consciously and willingly joining with the purpose of God to bring salvation to the world. Oh, what a purpose! Father, everyday I want to join with you to bring salvation to the world. Lead on, Sweet Jesus!

*my November scripture plan

**Join us over at Women of Prayer through December as we read and pray through The Women of Christmas.

Praise the LORD, I tell myself with my whole heart, I will praise His holy name…never forget the good things He does for me.  He forgives all my sins…surrounds me with love and tender mercies.  He fills my life with good things…For His unfailing love…is…great…  Psalm 103

So much ungratefulness and distrust and anger and selfish desire…so much self-focus.  Forgive me for not using my eyes, heart, mind, hands, voice, and life to honor and worship You and to show You to others.  Forgive me for being so self-absorbed, so hungry for my own acknowledgement – my own fulfillment, my own dreams, that I turned blind eyes and deaf ears and hard heart to You.  You, Who open blind eyes, open deaf ears, and soften hard hearts in Your hands, do so in me.  Let’s get to know each other again.  Let’s have fun, smile, laugh, sing, dance, and enjoy life!  I haven’t enjoyed life for fear I would forget others’ pain and suffering. So, instead of knowing joy and peace and offering joy and peace, I have sat down in my self-proclaimed pit, claiming my life was all wrong – too much or not enough, never right – and I have not lived free or offered freedom.  Instead I have invited others to sit in prison with me, claiming that was the more righteous way.

 

Forgive me, friends – the girl friends and guys friends, the stay-at-home moms and dads, the working-in-the-United States-husbands and wives, the friends and family who have lived in life suburbia their entire lives and those friends and family who are just starting out like me…Forgive me for calling what you do (what I do) less, not “high” enough in God’s eyes, not spiritual enough.  Forgive me for shaking my faux pious finger in your face (and in mine) and shouting and sobbing and moping around, shaking my head and saying over and over and over and over (yep…) again how little you (and I) are doing for the Kingdom because you (and I) are living in a house with four solid walls and a ceiling, because you (and I) are not walking out our doors and seeing the physically dying lying outside our doors, because you (and I) have not been asked to sell all and go to some country or continent overseas, because you (and I) are able to have a choice of grocery stores and clothing stores and shoe stores and fast food restaurants, because you (and I) can take our children out for ice cream and buy them new clothes and give them their own beds…  Any other person in another country would look at what I’m able to do and they would see…BLESSING…and me, I have called it “not of God.”  Surely He wouldn’t want us to have so much or do so much or show love through another box of outrageously priced Legos.  Surely we should all take the martyrs position and that of a monk and nun and denounce anything that seems to please too much because too much pleasure is surely a sin!  Surely!  Surely?  Surely NOT!

For the stay-in-the-country-you-are-in everybodys – those who You, God, have called to live in the house they are in, on the street they are now, in the nation they are remaining in…for all of us who have been asked to “go” to Jerusalem, I pray for them, me, us.  May we find You here!  May we know Your favor…here!  May we no longer let the enemy cause us to think what we’re doing is worthless and not good enough.  May we know that the same Jesus Who took some to Judea, Samaria, and to the ends of the earth, also kept some in Jerusalem.  Praise You God!  Better is one day where You want us than a thousand other good places You haven’t asked or told us to go!

 

Assure us where we are that love has no borders – we do not have to cross a time zone or a date line to share Your love.  Peace is never over there; You are always right where Your children are!  The Christian missionary doesn’t look better or do better because she/he can cross oceans and see physical pain and death every day. Every missionary needs Your eyes to truly see the hurting, the broken, the needy. The need is here, there, and everywhere.  Don’t allow us to be short-sighted.  You never have been!

 

This week I wrestled hard with post-pardum hormones, mental depression, emotional anger, and a slew of other “whatevers.”  In the end, no matter how the hormones or lack of sleep came into play, the real core issue lay in how I view God.

(If we leave anything outside our house at night, it’s always vulnerable.  Someone can easily come and steal or destroy it.  When we leave our lives outside of God’s will, the enemy has easy access to come and do what he does…steal, kill, and destroy.  God’s way is life in abundance.  The problem that most of us have is that we’ve believed the lie; in other words, the enemy has already come in and stolen, killed, and destroyed our belief in the goodness and trustworthiness of God.  Just like our ancestor Eve, we have begun to doubt God’s love for us.  (Genesis 3:1-7)

What are some doubts you have toward God and the life He offers you?                     1T4X Workbook)

See that question right up there?  Yeah, want to know how I had to answer it…if I was going to be honest?

“That it’s not as good as my idea(s); that He’s going to punish me for making the wrong choice – that if I (we) make the wrong choice now, He won’t be gracious enough to get us back on track…as retribution.”

So, in response to my true belief system (because I know all the right spiritual, God answers…I know these thoughts do not hold up to what the Bible proves of God…I say what I believe often but fail to really trust my belief system when it’s time to get down to it and live) I let darkness creep over me, creep in me, and pour out of me.  A week of doubts and frustrations and accusations and angry outbursts and pure meanness ensued.  I responded to the goodness I have with all the darkness in me.  I could literally feel the dark and the fire.

And then yesterday, I began to breathe…ever so slightly, only to mess up again and go to bed craving His nearness so much I had to stay up later than everyone else just to read His Word…to hear His voice.  And then today, I began to sing and smile…only to let some remaining dross spew out on someone I love and respect very much…tears and a cloak of darkness awaited me.  But this afternoon, I am still standing, moving, and hoping.  Praying I will let my Father have all of my affection and that I will trust all of His.

No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can remove it.  I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow.  Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you as white as wool.  If you will only obey me and let me help you then you will have plenty…But if you keep turning away and refusing to listen, you will be destroyed by your enemies…I will melt you down and skim off your slag.  I will remove all your impurities…Because the LORD is just and righteous, the repentant people of Jerusalem will be redeemed.

Isaiah 1:18-20, 25, 27 NLT

I don’t think it was God’s will for me to make those choices, to choose to yield to the dark even if it did mean being refined.  I think even then I could have chosen to respond differently.  But I do think what was His will, and always will be His will, is His grace when I made those choices.  Yes. Grace is ALWAYS His will.