Springtime works both for and against me. It has for many years. I am naturally a lover of Autumn and Winter. As days get shorter and the temperatures grow colder, I find comfort in candle-lit rooms with something warm in my hands and warm wrapped around my legs. Yet, I am finding as my children get older that we all do better when the sun warms, the trees bud, and the light keeps our eyes open longer. Still, there is a paradox that Spring brings to light in me: a sorrow and an excitement.
I pray myself, praise Himself, and thank my way through the darkness that is now inside of me as the light lingers longer outside my window. It has been this way since high school, though I had no idea what was going on then. I still don’t think I fully understand it even now, but I know what it is, when it usually is, and Who knows it all, knows all of me, and can walk me through this until the light shatters the darkness that threatens to take hold of me. In all this battling against the darkness, there is also the recognition and the smile that comes when I stand in the unhindered, unfiltered Light of Him, be it outside in His rising sun or anywhere when His Son is rising up in me. I used to fight against this, and some days I still do, but now, mostly, I surrender to this fire and pray it burns the dross right out and that it will present me pure and faithful to my Groom. (I pray also for the ones I love and live with daily, that they might not get scorched from my fire, but may just feel the heat of His love from it. Lord. Mercy. Grace. Your blanket of Love, I pray!)
So, in all this – in what seems like months already, though it has only been a week(!) – here are some words that have spoken comfort and Truth into me:
God wants us to live a life we cannot possibly live without Him…Don’t let God just be there; interact with Him. Walk so closely with Him that you hear His heartbeat. Pray. Listen. Seek…Purify my soul and help me to obey You in every way…fill my heart with Your love, peace, and joy so that what comes out of my mouth represents Your will…Pour Your Spirit afresh into my heart each day so that what I say reflects You nature…The Holy Spirit in you will always lead you toward ever-increasing steps of faith…Jesus said to them, ‘Why are you so fearful?’…’You of little faith, why did you doubt?’…’Have faith in God.’…Ask the Holy Spirit to grow in you…
~S. Omartian Lead Me Holy Spirit
And always…this. I just can’t seem to stop, even when I think of stopping…
the forgiveness of my children – all of them
Christopher reaching for my hand – love, forgiveness, understanding, comfort
a little time and energy and resources to create
picky little eater (Ruth!)
rest, in silence (thank you Hubby!)
I saw Robins in a quiet backyard – robins!!
in my silence, I heard His love, forgiveness, and comfort
gas money to a new, single mom
nights given away to holding a teething baby
frustration, selfishness, and easy anger given away to The One Who gives a blanket of love in my weakness
praying for her
turning my eyes to see His face
And this…this ushered me before my Groom Sunday morning…
Stood facing the kitchen wall today, hands up, tears falling, a heart bending in the Hands of Him Who knows just how to break me in order to heal me. Forgiveness and blessings, they are lovers…bride and groom…beloveds.
The above accompanied by this…
Pray (Christa Wells and Nicole Witt)
And, always, always this. To begin and to end…