I cry in the shower over things that aren’t changing and some that are.
I breathe out a a deep sigh as we sit down to pay bill upon bill.
I shake my head in disbelief over this atrocious water bill.
I put on my socks and shoes, grab my iPod, place ear phones in ears, volume on max, “The Greatness of Our God” begins as my feet hit the pavement. At the first step, I can’t say I am fully believing the words that are playing…but I want to. So I run in the Way of them. Praying them. Using them as a sword against the Enemy of my thoughts.
I turn the corner, and the battle is on. “Doesn’t He care that you’ve done…?” “Aren’t these “right steps” making up for the wrong ones? Isn’t blessing supposed to come from obedience? And I choose, this time, not to linger with the snake’s words. This time, I choose, as Timothy recently wrote in a note “not to eat the apple”.
And I respond: He does not owe me anything. This relationship with God, it was never founded on doing enough to get His approval because I never could. No amount of right in my life could ever even cover the wrong these hands have wrought, much less take it away. And blessing? Well, now. He Is. If a bill never got paid and food never got on the table and if another extra trinket was never added to this home, He would still Be…Enough. But, the bills do get paid…every time. The food falls on plates at every meal. And the trinkets, well, they come sometimes more than they should. The blessing isn’t always in the extra; most of the time it’s in the daily bread. I woke up today and God showed up – ENOUGH.
I have a developing theory that God allows us to “want” to the point of having enough of this world, where we throw our arms up in the air and say, “I just want heaven!” At this statement He says, “Yes! Keep your focus there! Don’t look to the right or to the left! Seek the Kingdom! Above all! For you were not made to want this world, just live in it for awhile.”
I make the final turn onto my street, I take notice of one or two sparrows. He says, “Look at the birds!” I look. I breathe hard. For now, the battle is won. I testify to the friend watching my kids. Small words, really.
They leave. I take a glass of water to the window, and I see the abundance of His blessing. He does hear, even when nothing changes. He does care, even when things do change. All the resources, money included, in the world are His, and who am I to say where it should go? I am the steward who does well when I am faithful to gather the daily manna and trust Him with the rest. I take another breath…grace…before I leave the window. I don’t want to forget, again, what I saw. The gift? Not one. Not two. But a flock of sparrows soaring down and up again. “Look at the birds, child. They do not strive for what they need, and they get it. How much more…you?!”
A friend texts and asks how my day is going. I respond, “Ah, well, we’ll just say God is doing 180 degree miracles in my mind every minute. Sorrow to joy, frustration to peace, despair to hope…” Ann suggests maybe we don’t need resolutions so much as revolutions, and I think I get it. So, I will continue to turn my face to look straight into His, and from there I will purpose not to turn. (And if and when I do, again, I know the Way back. And I will run to get there!)